I had a bad dream last night, yet another bad dream. I have them pretty regularly and they always include the same subject, the same topic. They occur about once weekly, in the past they happened nearly nightly. And they are exhausting. They are exhausting because they are my fears played out to scare me as I sleep soundly. What troubles me most, they are not my dreams and goals and loves and joys. They are my fears and pains and hurts.
I used to believe that it meant that my gut was good and that I could tell something was wrong, that if the dreams persisted that I was right, there was something “going on”. And that may have been true then and it may still be true now. But, in the effort to get healthy, the gut instinct to “know” what is wrong or going on needs to turn into a desire to be happy and at peace. Now I think these dreams are my mind playing tricks on me and my heart letting me know something that is all too true… My higher power is not present in my life.
I am letting my sickness control my deepest thoughts and my inner peace. I am playing my fears out nightly to recreate them, to find comfort in them. I am self torturing in order to feel safe and in order to make my fears valid. If I dream it, it then must be true. And if it is true, then I must be right. And if I am right, well then you are wrong. And if you are wrong… then you owe me, you owe me peace, comfort, honesty… You owe me you. I am the victim of this circumstance and you are the perpetrator and in that case… You are responsible; I make you responsible for my fear.
This doesn’t work anymore, not so much. I’ve made others “responsible” for far too long. And in that responsibility they’ve be honored to have my power and my peace. They got the best of me. And I gave myself the worst. It is time I seek MY higher power, to hand over my tough stuff, to share my fears and hurts and to know that my higher power will carry them. That I will be walked with, giving me strength to get through the tough stuff and courage to face my fears. I will share my dreams, loves, goals and joys too; those will weave into the tapestry that is my life. I will share those in order to gain the support and love I need to accomplish who I am meant to be to my full potential.
It is time to seek MY higher power, to find support from something far greater than myself. To define my spirituality and to bring peace and colorful beauty back into my life and to my dreams.
