Where did my baby go? Today I am feeling extraordinarily sentimental, a little sad, a little lonely, but mostly sentimental. We have been living in a “working on growing up” haze for nearly a week (yes, there was time spent with her daddy and her grandma that relieved me of my haze). But today… today I am thinking about what the haze actually means. It means my baby is growing up. It means I no longer, nor will I ever again, have a baby. It means that the teeny tiny toes, the pursed lips, the magical little coos, the first bath, the first smile, the first word, all the baby firsts are over.
I knew this was my path and I was and still am okay with only having one child. I never wanted “just one”, but after the pregnancy I had, the divorce and the re-start, it made sense and it was okay. Doodle is a perfect little Doodle in all her imperfections and just her is just enough. In fact… I don’t know if I am capable of being a good mom to more than just one. I don’t know if I have the capacity, the patience or the resolve to mommy more than one. Let me be clear… I love my bonus girls like they were my own, I’m just not certain I’m supposed to create & birth more than one. Most days I don’t feel like I deserve this honor to be called Mommy.
But today, today, it all hit me. My daughter, my Doodle, my miracle… she is no longer a baby. And today… Today I am very sad about it. Today I am sad that her squishy little face won’t snuggle into my collar bone. Today I am sad that her teeny tiny hands won’t squeeze my fingers. Today I am sad that her little legs are no longer wobbly. Today I am sad that exploration is no longer about exploring the tupper ware cupboard. Today I am sad… I am sad that I did not slow down to capture more of it. Today I am sad that I was living life so fast that I missed out on the date she said her first word, the date she took her first step, the date her first tooth popped through… The memory of when is vivid. I can replay her first steps in my head over and over again, but I could never tell her the exact date.
I am so proud of my wee one and so grateful to have so many blessed memories. Today I am sad she is growing up so fast. I loved her then, I love her now, I’ll love her when.
Wendy Hylton says
Oh girl I feel ya, we are so wearing the same shoes today, I couldn't have said it better, I feel oh so so so the same. I didn't "plan" on only having one but it may be my destiny. It has become your destiny and we are OK with it, but the nostalgia the what if's may always be within. You are an excellent mama to doodle and the extra bonus'. They are so so so lucky to have you. Just keep the memories alive and slow down and remember from here on out, we have so MANY firsts ahead of us, they just aren't baby ones instead they are BIG GIRL ones… just as exciting. HUGE HUGS. XOXO