Man this gig is a tough one. Man it is a rewarding one too. I tell you what mama’s of the world, I am not quite certain I will ever get the hang of this here thing we call motherhood.
First and foremost it is imperative to state just how much I love this gig and just how much I wanted this gig and just how grateful I am to have this gig. It is also important to point out that in a couple previous posts I have stated that I may or may not be capable of handling motherhood to more than one bio baby and two bonus babies, that is in fact not true… I am fully capable. The love part is something I am good at, in fact sometimes I am too good at the loving my kids part. I certainly have the capacity to love the three I do plus ten more. It is the losing all control part that really puts this parenting thing into question.
My Doodle and my bonus babies are incredible gals. They all carry that intrinsic beauty and intelligence that makes them so much more than what y’all see on the outside. They all love deep and they all love each other good, oh so good. They all shine bright. They are uniquely individual, yet so very similar. They bubble over with pride when they succeed and show sadness when they don’t measure up to their own expectations. They put others first and they are learning how to compromise in our blended family. They are hip and cool and funny and beautiful on the inside and smart and everything sugary you want your little girls to be…
But, mama’s that is not what makes this mama thing hard… What makes it hard is when they show their little girl spice… It is hard when every day on the way to school Doodle says “I don’t wanna go to school”, it is a sweet sad voice that breaks my mama heart. It breaks my mama heart because I see her joy in class and how she thrives with her peers in school, but it is the separation anxiety that puts fear in her at drop off. It is hard when everyone is all sassy and bickering. It is hard when one gets sick and all the others follow. It is hard when the 11 year old is crying real little girl emotions and the two year old decides to jump in and copy her just so that she can be just like her big sister… Um, really? You are not sad Doodle. The not so shockingly honest truth is they all seek attention and when they see one another get attention they copy the behavior even though it may be a negative behavior or the feelings and fears and emotions are not true for them. It is hard when they are moody and brooding. It is hard when “she” ignores bed time (DOODLE) and fights against routine and then has a morning melt-down because she is so tired. It is hard when she says no one million and one times just to say no. It is hard when she intentionally ignores my directions. It is hard when she melts down with me, whines with me, throws tantrums with me and me alone and I get reports back that she is a dear angle with everyone else. It is hard when Doodle comes home from her dads house where she has a bonus brother and she pretends to shoot me dead… It is hard…
And what makes it ever so slightly more difficult is that I love good and hard… So when Doodle is sad and when Doodle is angry and when the girls are emotional and bickering and when all the cards are crumbling in our emotional, female dominated house, I am not so good at the balance thing. Balancing when love is the answer, when discipline is the answer, when ignoring all the crazy is the answer, when putting my foot down is the answer, when breathing through it is the answer… Man it is hard.
But Mama’s… The hard is all so very worth it. Sitting at the dinner table and hearing them all laugh and talk and say crazy things… A kidddo interaction from last night just made my heart melt. The 11 year old was getting sick of Arkham (our annoying rescue puppy who is up in your face at all times seeking love and attention) bugging Doodle while she ate and told Ave not to pet her because Arkham may bite her hands… Doodle, mouth full looked at her hands and shook them at all of us in and emphatic, you are crazy kind of way and said “That’s not true, my hands are alright.”. The sweet interaction melted us all into giggles. And that is what it is about mama’s.
In the moments when the family is sitting in the eye of their own family storm; emotions, anger, schedules and chaos all swirling just on the outside of the moment and there is clarity and joy and happiness and laughter. That is what I signed up for. This is my wild and crazy life and I love it… I sure hope my family knows that… Cause this mama, this mama wears her heart on her sleeve and she ain’t so good at the breathing through it part, not just yet anyway. And the Mr that handles all of us, well he is a saint.
***Note: this is a mommy meltdown post primarily to get my feelings of failure off of my chest… I feel like when I only see the chaos and the emotions I am a bad mommy for not understanding better the emotions of girls, being one of them and all. I am a control freak by nature, who has OCD tendencies occasionally and that makes it so very hard for me to breathe through the tough stuff. I am also new at the mommy game, having only been at it for two years now there isn’t much by way of knowing how I am going to raise her decided, I am learning what that looks like as I go. And becoming a bonus ma is tough shit. Beautiful girls that have a rhythm already, ensuring I stay true to my parenting beliefs (that I am just now identifying) while not upsetting their applecart. Did I mention this was hard? This also so very worth it… Every second, when I enter the center of my storm, makes my heart leap, skip, jump, a smile with joy.