I am loud. I am enthusiastic. I am energetic.
In theory, all of these traits can be pretty incredible. They can bring life into a room, they can bring motivation to people, they can bring happiness when sad, this is all true. But, at the end of the day I am loud. I am realizing this may not be all good. I have noticed that I feel more chaotic and loud than the ladies surrounding me in my life. At times I can find my peaceful inner voice, but more often than not, I am loud energy.
In recent days I have realized that I truly respect and honor the women in my life that carry a quiet peace in the conversation. I honor that they convey their message in a thoughtful manner that is both impactful and peaceful. I work with a friend who I have never heard raise her voice. She is a mama of two and I always wonder how discipline is different in her home. I am certain there is no screaming up the stairs and yelling down the hall. I am certain that there is no loud angry yelling when one of her children has done something wrong. I can only imagine that there is peace and love and quite. That her tone may change, but that the situation does not get the best of her demeanor. Additionally, at work she never seems overly excitable, she never seems frazzled. She is in fact, always in control.
I ate dinner with another girlfriend and her sons the other night. It was incredible to watch, but again, there was no yelling, there was no loud energy, the atmosphere was just peaceful and loving even when discipline was being handed out. It was incredible to watch and it inspired me to be more thoughtful in my own home.
I realize I hit my wits end fairly quickly. I realize that I express my frustration enthusiastically and emotionally. I realize that my voice gets loud often. And lately I have been ashamed of how that might impact my daughter. I fear that my response carries more weight and worry and frustration than the situation warrants. I worry that I am teaching my Doodle how to catastrophize. I fear that she feels ashamed or her feeling may be hurt due to the way I communicate. I also fear that in other relationships; with my husband, my parents, my friends and even as simply as my coworkers, that my heart-on-my-sleeve is more of a burden than a blessing.
I realize that this fear is a good thing. It is good to be introspective and honor that which I admire in others and determine if this is a trait that would be benefit in my life. And in reality, I love who I am. I love the energy I carry and the enthusiasm I posses. But, when it comes to frustration and my child, well I need to breathe through it more and love in a more peaceful manner. After all, she is learning how to be from me. Often times I slow down and cuddle and Doodle and I have a very loving relationship, one where adoration is obvious and mutual. However, I do not want to negatively impact her when the negative energy just isn’t necessary. There is a time and a place for discipline, but that doesn’t mean my voice has to be louder to convey the message.
Learning lessons continually is my goal and striving to be the best me I can be for the ones I love most is imperative. The loves of my life have my heart and I want to express it to them in a manner where they never doubt just how deeply they are loved.